walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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