i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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