Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
