this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
