You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
