A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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