Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
