I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize