He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
