dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My vagina is officially offended.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
