420 ftw
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
