Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
