Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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