I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
