So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i need some magic done to my vagina
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
