I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
