I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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