I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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