Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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