Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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