laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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