Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
