what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
