He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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