Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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