So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
