in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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