The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
