I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
