When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
