Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
