I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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