so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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