you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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