There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
