I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
