I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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