Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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