Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
