On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
