Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
