finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
