Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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