You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Couch. On fire.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
