I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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