I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The Olympian is in my bed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
