Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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