I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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