You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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