Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
