i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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